And Some Are Dying Haven S5E19 Perditus

No of course we're not planning to use the lyrics to When The Man Comes Around for the entire reason of Haven that would be dorky we are never dorks. Also I have a bridge in Halifax to sell you.

Previously! Deadly Tarot, memory wipes, and fucking Walter. And Croashatner. Let's take a second to highlight something here that we shamefully didn't go over in detail last time: Croashatner (barring a proper name for Charlotte's husband) says my aether. You turned my aether into something. Prior to this we were working under the assumption that this was William's stash, which was admittedly smaller. So what, were they working together the whole time? Did anyone notice this or know it and it just never came out on camera? Or, because let's face it, William's balls did look a mite punier than those in the cave, did they never find William's box o deathtruffles but instead Croashatner's entire mining cave full of the damn stuff? INQUIRING DAMN MINDS. Anyway. Audrey has the aether core, Charlotte has the knife, I have a burning desire for a proper sound sampler so I can see if there's another voice under Shatner and the distortion, and then Charlotte's dying in Audrey's arms while thankfully imparting some final information. Between last episode and this one, Charlotte wins the prize for actually conveying some useful fucking data with her last breaths instead of just "Oh I always loved you" or "Oh you are so doomed, it's the *ludicrous gibs ensue*"

When The Man Comes Around Haven S5E18 Wild Card

Previously on Haven: aether aether aether, wait there was COMMUNICATION? People told each other things? Amazing! So now everyone knows Charlotte's got enough aether to end the Troubles. At least in theory. Also, Duke found Seth in Halifax and they're roadtripping to North Carolina to find the weird preacher guy who can pull evil black tar out of people's souls. Uh-HUH. This won't go strange places at ALL. Or predictable ones. Also, Dave's still having those weird visions of Croatoan and people dying and the No Marks Killer. Which are the same thing. Which we have been saying for how long now?

We open with another vision! Oh YAY. Complete with shakycam, unknown school? office? building, and a guy getting black goo sucked out his eyeballs. Also a screaming woman or girl, it's too shaky to get a good sense of age on either of them. Actually yay, though! Because this time Dave manages to get not only a location, but a clock! And a potential survivor, at only half an hour out, yes Vince they are going now. Hey! That also resembles communication! Albeit not with Dwight and Nathan and Audrey, which would also be a good thing if you're going after what you currently believe to be some kind of serial killer. Dave. I'm just saying. There's a balance between so cautious and fearful you don't do anything about the shit you know, and rushing headlong in without fucking telling anyone. Find it. Please.

Damn Your Eyes Haven S5E17 Enter Sandman

Previously on Haven! Haven vanished from the world as everyone outside of it knows it, with Duke now stuck on the outside. Troubles, Troubles, and Sandman. Who hates that name, because of course.

And of course the second the show proper starts up I hear the cheerful boingy strains of Mister Sandman, send me a dream. At this point not only is that song overplayed, it's a big fat indicator that bad shit is going down or is about to, sort of like Walking on Sunshine was the serial killer anthem for a while and any time you hear the low dulcet tones of It's A Wonderful World you know we're panning across some horrible battle or blasted wasteland. I'm guessing because the rights are cheap and of course because there are only so many songs on the theme of Sandman to go around, but some songs are just sort of hardwired in by now. And on the other hand it makes for cheap useful shorthand.

As Night Is Dark And Day Is Light Haven S5E16 The Trial of Nathan Wuornos

Previously! Dwight points out that the fog bank/shroud/whatever the fuck at least keeps the miserable shit contained to Haven and doesn't inflict it on the rest of the world. He's not wrong! There's a darkness Trouble that eats people. Literally, eats the flesh off them. Duke got sort of an episode of peace and quiet and then his boss was an asshole and he ended up semi-adopting a friend's teenage daughter. With a Trouble to the tune of Kitty Pryde. Oh yay. Dwight is keeping shit from Audrey, always a great idea, and that's a clip from s2 and Duke's first blood-sponge incident where he finds out what the Crocker Trouble is. That can't possibly be good, considering blood sponge plus both freaky eye-things plus Duke theoretically NOT being Troubled anymore means he has some unpleasant surprises coming. Oh, and we have another serial killer, this one they're calling the No Marks Killer, as opposed to the Eats Your Everything And Isn't A Wendigo killer. Nathan and Kira went off to track down the aether while Charlotte got the power plant working again, and then Nathan came back having found the aether and declared her dead, nearly starting a riot in the process.

So we'll pick up where we left off: at the point where Tony the fiance is trying to incite a riot. Jesus you're a dumb asshole. I get that he's upset and grieving but, as McHugh points out when he comes out to play Dwight's enforcer, this is a great way to set off everyone's Troubles. And get more people killed. And can we, y'know, not? Cue Dwight coming out to take stock, and getting a lot of runaround from everyone. I admit freely that Nathan's a decent liar when he thinks it's in a valid cause (namely, keeping knowledge of the aether secret), but telling Dwight in the middle of the crowd that he needs to talk to him privately is noooot exactly helpful. Especially since he compounds matters by continuing to lie about Kira being dead! It only looks like a lie because we know Nathan, and he lies by overdoing the sincerity and looking at people straight-on, which is one of the harder tells to spot. But it also fits with the data we have, namely unless Nathan got a second Trouble, how the fuck did he survive the darkness? Or unless there was a thinny/portal/something down there, which we had no indications of. McHugh is not being exactly helpful, but he is providing just-the-facts-sir for Dwight: Nathan and Kira left the power plant, he won't say where they went, now she's supposedly dead. Meanwhile Tony will continue inciting a riot by asking how many people lost someone because of the power outage. Seriously someone put a gag on that man before he gets people killed. Oh wait. That wouldn't help. I count approximately six hands raised, which is fewer than I expected, honestly. He goes on to claim that Kira was their ONLY hope against the darkness Trouble, which is patently fucking untrue: lots of people have been helping newly Troubled control their Troubles for the past two weeks, something everyone there should know, and on top of that the assorted glowball Troubles were what saved them the VERY NIGHT BEFORE. So it is entirely fucking unreasonable to assert that Kira is their only hope and so on and so forth. It's semi-plausible in terms of what a grieving probable-abuser does, but it's bullshit and at least some of the crowd should know that.

Run On For A Long Time Haven S5E14 New World Order

So. It's the last season. Everything's gone straight to hell. And we're punchier than we've ever been, so here's the deal. For those of you who are amused by such things, we're starting a "Fucks Given" jellybean jar. Guess how many times we dropped the f-bomb while we were watching or discussing and working on the recaplysis. Whoever gets closest wins a No-Prize. (Which is basically a shout-out on the blog, if you never read the Marvel comics at the right time.)

Everyone buckled in? Got your safety gear on? Everyone got a firm grasp on their buttocks, their wits, and their boozahol? Because we're all going to need it. Previously, on Haven! Charlotte is Mara's mother. (No, not Audrey's, even if she really really wants us all to believe that. Creator, sure.) Mara made Duke into a Trouble bomb she plans to set off unless her mother lets her out of Haven. Honestly while I firmly disapprove of her methods, she clearly hasn't been taught better. Dave is having mysterious visions of a lot of people dying and the word Croatoan carved into a rock. This just gets better and better! Audrey talks Joe Senna down from his Trouble, which is surely only here because it will be Important Later, and oh, Charlotte is a terrifyingly manipulative evil bitch who's willing to kill her own daughter and make Audrey be the whatever-non-human-being she is in order to get someone who won't point a gun at her. Charlotte has not met Audrey when she's super pissed off. Oh, and Duke exploded with Troubles, as per Mara's threat. Seriously what the fuck did you expect, Charlotte.