Be Unbroken Haven S5E25 Now

Previously, on Haven. CroaShat was a manipulative asshole of a would-be father, Vince decided to go be a barnvatar because that seemed more useful than grieving Dave and probably killing himself, Laverne became the police station in the noirest episode ever to noir, Duke got pwned in the black-eyed horror of Croatoan, Dwight got his daughter back and is not sure how this is a trap. CroaShatDaddy continues to be abusive but reveals that he can use the Troubles however he damn wants, including to save baby Mara's life, and Duke is blaming Nathan (and Audrey) for his becoming a killer. I… cannot say he's entirely wrong there.

We return to Audrey having gone back to the station, presumably having walked? It's night, she's making her bed on the camp cot in the chief's office, and Nathan is being adorable with his snacks. Aww, she still loves Baby Ruths! Alas, that is granola but he is happy to see her! Ahem. Laverne's apparently decided to dispense only the healthy stuff, or as healthy as you can get out of a vending machine. Oh Laverne. Per Nathan's nudging, Audrey updates him on how much of a world of shit they're in, which is to say: lots! Several worlds' worth. (Say that five times fast.) He's not making threats, he's just promising to make people his idea of happy, which is clearly warped, she's not wrong that that's in a lot of ways more scary than an outright threat. An outright threat has recognizable boundaries on it, not necessarily limitations but it presents a defined scope. A complete stranger coming in and imposing his ideas of happiness on everyone else? That's a lot of unknowns to deal with. And of course he desperately wants his daughter back. I find it interesting that Nathan makes the point (and Audrey doesn't argue) that she's not Croatoan's daughter, whereas they were pretty quick to allow as how she was Charlotte's daughter. Partly that's a pacing issue, but partly I think that's also an indication of how thoroughly they're rejecting Croatoan and all his works. As it were. In the meantime, we revisit for the umpteenth iteration that they need to fix the aether core and that no they don't have any brilliant solutions, nor has Vince come up with anything now that he has access to the databases in the controller crystal. Blah blah Duke, blah blah holing up and Dwight's keeping Vince away from Duke, etc etc etc exposition. Though I do find Nathan's unshakeable faith that they're going to get Duke back awfully adorable and heartrending in light of what happens. But adorable.

Will The Circle? Haven S5E26 Forever

We'll just skip the forever long previouslies and get right to it. Audrey's come back to the station and she's giving Stan instructions about getting the town to stay away from the cloud. Stan's in street clothes! Awwww. And he tosses out a gas leak cover story joke, because that's gonna work so well when a few weeks ago you explained all about the Troubles and whatnot. Although I admit in my vague headcanon for post-series, "gas leak" has totally become an in-joke with the entire town. Audrey is not really having with this levity, telling him to go spend time with his nonexistent family. He says he doesn't have one now, which could be, given he's been awfully stereotypical bachelor cop for the series, the PD's been disbanded and that was his family, or could be a variety of awful things happened to whatever family he had, or could be he moved in from outside Haven and now he's cut off and doesn't expect to ever see them again. That was horribly depressing. Stan deserves all the good things for putting up with this shit for so long, why you so fucking mean, writers. Audrey would like to spend time with her remaining family, except Nathan is not so much with the here.

Simon Says Haven S2E12 Sins of the Fathers

Previously: Audrey found the original Lucy Ripley, who has not gone to the barn and had her memories erased! And… Simon Crocker was looking for AudSarLu when she was Lucy. Oh GOODIE. We will be reminded yet again of how Duke is at the center of everything going on in Haven, and lost Evi as a result. And oh look, part of that involves the Crocker boxes, now with the big version, hi Dwight you're like a big version, and killing AudSarLu. Gee. I wonder what the Rev's plans were for Duke! Let's find out on a moonlit night in Haven. We open with the Trouble, not the town's tarnished trio, which just means the Trouble's going to be inherent to them all as we learn what it is and how it works. Some Dude is asleep when Some Other Dude appears and wakes him insisting he go save a woman named Sheila who's in danger from a guy with a gun! This cannot possibly end badly! First Dude looks like he's about to tell the other guy that he's dead or something, oh yay just what we need. Yes, the guy with a gun is going to be you, honey. Arlo is meanwhile across the street with Sheila telling her to be quiet and careful and he'll keep her safe until Bill gets here. Of course you will. Vindictive ghostly bastard. This translates to mock-strangling her and Bill shooting her through the ghost. As you do. Evidently this was, as one might expect, payback for sleeping with Sheila, who was Arlo's wife. I assume he was hoping for a murder-suicide but will take one out of two.

Next morning, Duke and his truck are headed downtown at the same time as Audrey and… that looks like still a rental? Audrey when are you going to give in and buy a used cheap car. She's headed for the Herald, Duke is headed for her, it looks like after the ulp-ing at the end of last ep they haven't talked since and now things have an extra helping of Awkward. Duke's going to confront this head-on! Honey. Audrey's off to confront other people head-on, she's not upset with you, go hold her flower while she kicks the Teagues' ass. I would pay such good money for that alt-version of this scene. Alas, no, he's determined to explain that he is REALLY not going to kill her, he doesn't take assassination requests from dead as well as deadbeat dads. Audrey please stop being quite so emotionally repressed, you're going to sprain something. She does realize after the bad joke that she needs to take him a little more seriously than that, but the words "I believe you" would help here. A lot. And not leave Duke sighing at the heavens while Audrey storms into the Herald.

In the Blood Haven S2E11 Business as Usual

Previously! Lucy Ripley, Audrey belonging to Haven, Nathan courting Audrey, Duke and the tattoo and his complete lack of answers. Evi working with the Rev and then dying! The Rev being in the middle of all of this. And then dying too! Well, I'm glad about one of those things.

Wings of a Dove Haven S5E24 The Widening Gyre

Wings of a Dove Haven S5E24 The Widening Gyre

Any ep title they can play on-the-nose with we can do better? Ahem. (For those of you who've noticed, Cash covered this one.) (A: Though my FIRST thought was Lonesome Dove, because even MORE on the nose.) Look, anytime anyone invokes Yeats' Second Coming for TV we are going to at minimum tease and possibly mock. Do you know how many times that poem has been overused? There's an entire TV Tropes page about it. (Suffer with us!) However, if we start in earnest now we'll never stop, so: previously, on Haven! Dave took out Croatoan's ability to wipe memories and erase time, and died in the doing, breaking Vince. Dwight is cracking at the edges to the tune of Not Losing Anyone Else, Audrey flails at the barn and acquires a Howard, however briefly due to Duke fucking with the aether core and going full evil. Whether that's possession or his choice is still severely questionable! Enjoy trying to figure it out! Fuck knows we're not sure.

To Serve Man Haven S2E10 Who What Where Wendigo?

Previouslies tell us that Dwight is a bullet magnet, the poor bastard. Dwight just so you know, you can't actually protect people if you're dead or in hospital recovering from bullet wounds and/or cracked ribs. (Kevlar only goes so far.) I tease about the urges under his Trouble because of one part sympathy and two parts ow. Evi was working for the Rev! She swears it was because she wanted to help Duke find out about his past and/or protect him from the Rev, which shows a staggering degree of naivete considering her usual line of work. Also a significant attachment to Duke despite how they clash on a regular basis. And she also severely overestimates her importance to the Rev and his men, getting herself shot and killed when she assumes she's not expendable. Oh honey. You were definitely not used to people playing games this rough. Hell, Duke's not, not entirely, though he's more so than Evi was, as witness his swallowing back grief and rage to pretend like he's going to be a good little follower and find out his answers. Anyone who knows Duke, knows that revenge is probably worth more to him than answers, and that he'll take both if he can get both, but I'd say it's clear the Rev is playing all the odds. We have a last shot from last ep of the Rev versus Dwight-Audrey-Nathan, which is an interesting cluster and certainly not at all representative of Dwight standing in for Vince.

The ep proper opens with… none of Our Heroes! So we have a Trouble that's not what it seems and they're flinging us data as well as red herrings. Yay! Instead, a newscast over the radio, a trucker flossing in his rearview mirror while we hear about a brutal murder of a dental hygienist, really you guys? And oh look they've decided it's a serial killer with so far seven bodies that they know about. They even have a description! I suspect this is because the murders all happened in different jurisdictions and looked like crimes of passion; these are the kinds of things where you file all the forensics and then hope for a break in the detective footwork. Our trucker is halfway posited as the killer as he goes about his business, since he also leers and ogles all over the girl working the gas station who comes out on break. But no! Then a guy fitting the description right down to the rose tattoo walks out and is bashed into by some teenaged boy, who spills his coffee, apologizes, and runs faster. Our trucker seems to think he can go be a big damn hero with the handgun he keeps in the truck for protection. Dude. You don't even keep the fucking thing in the glovebox? It's just hanging out there? Your safety precautions suck and you should feel bad. GET YOUR FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER OH MY GOD. Well, at least we KNOW he's supposed to be a moron. Rounding the corner brings a whole lot of animal-tearing-something-to-shreds noises from the shed out back, and then we get monster-shaky-cam footage as the trucker gets shoved hard out the door by whatever was making those noises. DUN DUN DUNN.

For The Reckless Ones Haven S5E23 Blind Spot

Previously on Haven: I miss William. How the fuck did that happen. Is this some magical Colin Ferguson shit? 'cause it kinda seems like it. Croatoan is going to kill and eat everyone, William sez, but then he disappears off into the void and possibly for home because he's… tired of murder? Sleepy kitten done thinking of nothing but murder all day? At any rate, Nathan came back with the crystal, Dave went into his mind palace to try and defeat Croatoan and succeeded in (we think and hope) getting rid of the timey-wimey bullshit memory wiping (DONNA NOBLE FOREVER FUCK YOU ahem oops did that slip out? That was my outside voice, wasn't it.), and also died, wrecking Vince. Croatoan is now out of Dave's body but whether or not he's genuinely lost this ability AND why he's still hanging out being a creepyass mist rather than taking a form asap we do not (yet) know. Suspect lots of things! Don't know. Also Dave used his internal IMing system to inform Vince and Dwight that Croatoan's coming for Audrey. I am sure that's not the only thing he's dropped by for.

Toxic Masculinity S2E09 Lockdown

Previously on Haven! Nathan's getting ousted by the Rev, Audrey's getting courted by Chris Brody, and Duke's getting manipulated by Evi. So at least someone's getting made happier by the machinations in everyone's life!

I Must Live While Others Die Haven S5E22 A Matter Of Time

Everyone stop for awhile to groan over the double pun in the ep title with us, while we go over the previouslies. Yes? Yes. Previously, Hayley or Hayley's Trouble are the key to saving Haven by way of making a thinny whee. Vince was a complete fucking idiot who thought the best plan was to discuss plans for saving Dave from Croatoan IN FRONT OF HIM WHEN HE KNEW DAVE WAS POSSESSED. I'm pretty sure that one never got fully erased from his memory, is what I'm saying, and even if it did, the body on the floor should be a big fucking clue. Nathan coming back from the void is crucial, which will be fun since William's there too and Hayley refuses to use her power for the purposes of eventually getting rid of it. Kid. Have you seriously never read Harry Potter? Splinching is a thing. You don't want that thing.

Nathan does not want this boulder or this void air or whatever in the void is making him sick, but there's a lot of shit Nathan doesn't want and bulls his way through despite that. Because Nathan. Also I question the wisdom of sending in the guy who can't feel things to a place that's that toxic to humans. While it may lengthen the time he can stand being in there, if there's any kind of nerve irritation/pain that goes along with it, it means that he doesn't notice how bad it is until, say, shortness of breath and blurry vision come into play. William shall taunt him a second time! Free me and I'll help you, yadda yadda, nobody believes you, William. Though he's not wrong about Nathan doing poorly. William babbling about all the terrible things Mara's going to do is definitely like provocation! A lot of provocation, since Nathan starts shouting about how Mara's not coming back and ALSO no seriously NOT COMING BACK SHE'S DEAD YOU MORON. DECEASED. KICKED THE BUCKET. SHE IS AN EX-MARA. Ahem. I will allow as how this is enough passion and Nathan is fucked up enough that it definitely registers as true. Or Nathan believing it's true hard enough that he's got some kind of alternate proof, even if William looks utterly stricken by that idea. He's not wrong, either, there's not really anything he knows of that could do that. That's in Haven. So now they have new and interesting information to exchange and negotiate from. Such as negotiation can happen when the only thing William was living for (as far as he's ever said) is now gone.

Make It A Double Haven S2E08 Friend or Faux

Previouslies! Duke and Evi. Duke and his dad and the deathbed promise he made! Evi and working for the Rev. For as little as she's in this ep, there's actually nothing else in the previouslies except catching us up on that. And then instead of opening on the Gull like we might expect, we open on a panover of residential Haven, cutting down to Random House after a bit. No, we're not suddenly getting to see where Nathan lives. Or the Teagues. Instead, we have Some Guy We've Never Met. He must be either Troubled or about to die of a Trouble, then! Or both. Both is… good? That is a lot of house for one man, too, I must say.

It's even a lot of house for two men, which it turns out to be after we get a focus on our unsub that marks him as careful, precise, neat, even fussy. Sleeps in a full set of pajamas, needs everything on his dresser to be just-so, wears pocket squares. Wealthy and fussy. Now we have two! Two unsubs. I wonder who the hell they used for a double in these scenes, since this was before Orphan Black's transparency in filming made it more common for people to credit their doubles, stunt or otherwise. (Also before we were paying such close attention to the technicalities of filming, so it's possible we just missed it.) (Oh hey, the IMDb page says Jim Swansburg against Cristian de la Fuente. Well done both of them! For an ep that's relatively filler, they make it stand out.) The double, by contrast, is in boxers and nothing else, is cheerful and peppy and casual. Our first unsub looks resigned and horrified to see him and goes about getting ready for his day like he's a prisoner in his own home. When he comes out, Unsub #2 has made breakfast in the form of an enormous pile of pancakes and an even more enormous mess. I freely admit I'd be pissed if someone made that much of a mess of my kitchen, too.

Cold Bitter Mist Haven S5E21 Close To Home

Previously! Duke talked to Walter and we hid behind the couch. Also we get a flashback to the girl with the explodes everything she touches Trouble. Oh honey. Walter gave Duke visions of a seriously post-apocalyptic Haven in which Croatoan won, let us not go there, 'tis a silly place. Nathan ran back in time, figured out the Coulton family has a Trouble that'll let them open thinnies if they have a magic ring, and left Duke a note with the creepyass kid from 1983. Who turned into a creepyass adult. Who points him to Hayley, not that creepyass adult knows it. Hi Hayley!

NATHAN'S HOUSE NATHAN'S HOUSE HI NATHAN'S HOUSE. AWWW it's a tiny yellow house how cute! The house number is 247. I'm going to throw something at someone now. He and Audrey are having a relatively quiet start to their morning, she appears to have mostly moved in with him though by what point I'm not sure. Also I suspect this means that his house is well away from Trouble Alley, or anywhere else that might be a serious problem. He's bringing her coffee! They're doing one of the things we do, actually, which is grumble at the insufficient data and chew on it some more until they realize that they really don't have enough. Interrupted by Audrey being adorable at Nathan and warning him about the hot coffee and him being cute back and oh god stoppit both of you. This might be the most stereotypically couple-y we've ever seen them, she gets to check him out half-naked in the morning, there's coffee, they're talking about their plans for the day, and it's promptly turned into a semi-argument about yes this is awesome! You should stay with me and not go into the void so it can keep being awesome, Nathan. Yeah that's not going to happen, Audrey. There's some really sweet bantering about how tired they are of saving the world, and the thing is, it's believable! They should be! But it's also how they work, and what they know, and there's a definite undercurrent of that running through the banter too. What the fuck would they do without crises on a near-constant basis? WHO KNOWS. Not them, that's for sure. Speaking of which, he has to go get the controller crystal in the void when Duke comes back and yes that's a when and not an if, Audrey, I know you're hurt and feeling betrayed, but one of the things he needs is a fucking vacation from the crazy.

Communes Are Just A Red Herring Haven S2E07 The Tides That Bind

Ah, scenic Haven, beautiful coastal small town in AUGH FUCK WITH THE CREEPY CHILDREN AND THE CHANTING. See, this is the kind of quality content I expect from anything to do with Stephen King. I'll be over here behind the couch, shivering.

Yes, there are creepy chanting children. Chanting something about the sea being deep and the things that sleep under it. I could blame Lovecraft, I guess, but we're not in Lovecraft Country, we're in King Country, and while both are far worse places to stop than Bat Country in King Country there's a lot less in the way of grand cosmic horror and a lot more in the way of inexplicable horror mixed with small town folksyness. All those of you who have lived or live in a small town and know the ways those can be horrible are now twitching as violently as I am. Anyway. Creepy chanting cultist children. Because you know that's what it sounds like. Also in the way four of them are tying a rope around the fifth's ankle and shoving him in. Followed by the cinderblock he's now tied to. And then more chanting. And then an adult calling them over to supper, looking down into the water with a grim expression and... doing nothing. Now, this is Haven, so we can assume all kinds of things about how this isn't what it looks like, and it isn't. But that doesn't make it all that less fucking creepy. Mad props to everyone who set this episode up, I'm wigged out. Oh, for extra bonus wig, the guy has a tattoo. Or to be specific, The Tattoo.

Remember To Forget Haven S5E20 Just Passing Through

We have written a new verse to the song of our people. It is called STOP FUCKING WITH THE TIMESTREAM. Previously on Haven, we have a brief summary of how Stuart Mosley's Trouble works (Nathan's fault. Because of the aforementioned fucking with the timestream. Or IN the timestream, NATHAN.) and another summary of Dave telling Vince he's terrified he killed the Colorado Kid. More interesting: Hayley! Huh. Hi Hayley. ...Hayley Coulton. Well that'll be significant later! And then the reveal that Dave killed Charlotte from the end of last ep, as if we were going to forget THAT.

And Then You Wake Up Haven S2E06 Audrey Parker's Day Off

Hey look, it's the Groundhog Day ep! This may make the recaplysis slightly shorter, or it may not, who knows. Perhaps we've learned some concision in the last year? Stop laughing, you there in the back. (K: No. Shan't.) The previouslies this time include a massive focus on Audrey Parker, Savior of Haven, and her slowly coming to accept this role and her immunities. Also Chris Brody and his charisma Trouble, which continues to be creepy. Like way to point up some of the ways in which her and Nathan aren't a healthy relationship either, dude! Nobody believes that her immunity plays no role in why you asked her out. We pronounce that "wishful thinking." A more honest statement would be that he's not sure what role her immunity plays but it's nice to be around someone who calls him on his shit instead of fawning over him, maybe. Except I don't have that much faith in Brody that this isn't a case of Dickhead Wants What He Can't Get Easily. Never mind that Audrey finds being wanted for herself and not her abilities with the Troubles its own kind of intoxicating. This whole thing is so fucked up.

But we start with what appears to be a rather cute morning-after! This means it'll be ruined shortly, because fucking Haven. I can't even fault Chris Brody's wakeup, it's a brief kiss accompanied by some teasing, and he informs her he made plans for her day off. Surprise plans! That is, my misgivings about this relationship aside, rather cute and sweet, provided you're the kind of person who enjoys romantic surprises like that. We also get a Significant Shot of the alarm clock set to 7:34, which I don't think has any Stephen King type significance. (You could stretch to adding the numbers and come up with 14, but that's one more than Maerlyn's Rainbow, so I got nothin' offhand.) Audrey has a day off, but one official piece of police business beforehand. And before that there will be first thing in the morning sex, which she initiates, which is at least nice to see.

And Some Are Dying Haven S5E19 Perditus

No of course we're not planning to use the lyrics to When The Man Comes Around for the entire reason of Haven that would be dorky we are never dorks. Also I have a bridge in Halifax to sell you.

Previously! Deadly Tarot, memory wipes, and fucking Walter. And Croashatner. Let's take a second to highlight something here that we shamefully didn't go over in detail last time: Croashatner (barring a proper name for Charlotte's husband) says my aether. You turned my aether into something. Prior to this we were working under the assumption that this was William's stash, which was admittedly smaller. So what, were they working together the whole time? Did anyone notice this or know it and it just never came out on camera? Or, because let's face it, William's balls did look a mite punier than those in the cave, did they never find William's box o deathtruffles but instead Croashatner's entire mining cave full of the damn stuff? INQUIRING DAMN MINDS. Anyway. Audrey has the aether core, Charlotte has the knife, I have a burning desire for a proper sound sampler so I can see if there's another voice under Shatner and the distortion, and then Charlotte's dying in Audrey's arms while thankfully imparting some final information. Between last episode and this one, Charlotte wins the prize for actually conveying some useful fucking data with her last breaths instead of just "Oh I always loved you" or "Oh you are so doomed, it's the *ludicrous gibs ensue*"

We Are Groot Haven S2E05 Roots

Previously on Haven! Chris "Everyone Is In Love With Me And I Hate It" Brody! Evi "Duke's Secret Con-Artist Wife" Ryan! (aka "Her Name is Evidence? Are We Sure She's Not A Puritan?") The Crocker Box that apparently has no future significance ever. I'm not at all bitter/hopeful about getting closure on this, really. Though here's a crackpot theory for you, what if Fitzwilliam Crocker really was William in disguise and made it for .... no, see, there it breaks down. Though he certainly thought that his and Mara's love could conquer all. Also what's up with the funky glowing Crocker letters.

Love Connection Haven S2E03 Love Machine

Previously on Haven! Duke's contentious marriage! Freaky things happen in Haven! Like the Chief turning into rock and explode. Nathan doesn't know if he can hold it together like his Dad did. That's okay, Audrey's here to help the people of Haven! (Those of us who have seen the fourth season are laughing hysterically now.) And there's another Audrey! Well, shit.

All right, those of us who have seen up to current, go ahead and laugh it all out now as Audrey asks Vince if he knew her mother. Laugh it out. I'll wait.

(Those of you who are just now getting to seaon two, you really may want to stop reading. On the other hand if you've been reading this far, you know exactly how spoilery we are and probably most of the spoilers. Read on at your own risk.)

We start with a nice and deceptively calm flyover of Haven, as per usual, and move on to a guy clearing out the observers as he tries to fix a boat. Coffee should help! No, actually, there's no coffee that'll help this cranky boat. The initial cuts over to boat equipment, what looks like the netting winch? I'm making that term up because I don't actually know the vocabulary of fishing boats. Anyway, whatever that piece of equipment is, it's doing the ominous noises of Machinery About To Come To Life. And if we've all seen Maximum Overdrive the possessed machinery trope, we know exactly what to expect by the second cut over. The first one could be a distraction, sort of the on-a-fishing-boat equivalent of the cat scare. The second, not so much. On the third everything kicks into motion, because it's a rule, but in this case it's only a half-obeyed rule in the sense that we don't get the violent act, just the boat visibly moving by itself. In this case, the boat disgorging a fish. And then, the boat disgorging a shitton of fish. And then, the boat appearing to randomly send itself down the river.

When The Man Comes Around Haven S5E18 Wild Card

Previously on Haven: aether aether aether, wait there was COMMUNICATION? People told each other things? Amazing! So now everyone knows Charlotte's got enough aether to end the Troubles. At least in theory. Also, Duke found Seth in Halifax and they're roadtripping to North Carolina to find the weird preacher guy who can pull evil black tar out of people's souls. Uh-HUH. This won't go strange places at ALL. Or predictable ones. Also, Dave's still having those weird visions of Croatoan and people dying and the No Marks Killer. Which are the same thing. Which we have been saying for how long now?

We open with another vision! Oh YAY. Complete with shakycam, unknown school? office? building, and a guy getting black goo sucked out his eyeballs. Also a screaming woman or girl, it's too shaky to get a good sense of age on either of them. Actually yay, though! Because this time Dave manages to get not only a location, but a clock! And a potential survivor, at only half an hour out, yes Vince they are going now. Hey! That also resembles communication! Albeit not with Dwight and Nathan and Audrey, which would also be a good thing if you're going after what you currently believe to be some kind of serial killer. Dave. I'm just saying. There's a balance between so cautious and fearful you don't do anything about the shit you know, and rushing headlong in without fucking telling anyone. Find it. Please.

Haven S2E04 Sparks and Recreation

Previously on Haven! Duke. Duke and tattoos. Duke and Evi. Duke and his wife Evi. Also, the Rev, so our factions are heating up this ep. This is going to be fun and by fun I mean oh everyone. Except the Rev. The Rev gets basically no sympathy from me. 

We open with a dose of Ordinary Sinister, happy guitar chords and a Little League game and everyone's there! Oh, and so is that bird that just got electrocuted by one of the lights and fell dead on the ground. I want you to note this is less than a minute in, including the previouslies, and we're getting a distinct Bad Shit vibe even beyond the Rev and Duke and Evi. No, of course they're not ramping up to something really awful, why would they do that, I'll be over here with the s4 finale rocking in a corner some more. Fortunately for us, Nathan and Audrey are still themselves, and she's still able to use him as one of her fixed points for self-identification. Right now that takes the form of giving him shit about stereotypical small-town macho-ish traditions, this one's in the form of everyone having to pick a side for the kids' baseball game. Audrey has about the same expression I get for anything to do with baseball, which is "really? seriously? you expect me to treat this as a sport? can't I just nap instead? or do anything more productive, like watching paint dry?" Okay, I might be projecting a little there, but seriously. And then they run into the Rev, which is the last thing Audrey wants to add to a day of what she expects to be utter boredom. Oh Audrey. You get no boring days in Haven, didn't you know? But in a typical demonstration of small-town weirdness over rivalries, Nathan and Driscoll are putting aside most of their issues with each other for the day, although we can see them tensing up and waiting to see if the other will start something. The Rev concedes first, and it's like a very bizarre sign and countersign of the SeaDogs' cheer. I'm with Audrey. I think my head just exploded, and I can explain the anthropological reasons why a small town would need one day for everyone to put aside their differences, pick a team, and cheer their hearts out without regard for who else is in their cheering section until I'm blue in the face. I think it's because the guys are doing such an excellent job with the physical tension-bordering-on-comedy.

Damn Your Eyes Haven S5E17 Enter Sandman

Previously on Haven! Haven vanished from the world as everyone outside of it knows it, with Duke now stuck on the outside. Troubles, Troubles, and Sandman. Who hates that name, because of course.

And of course the second the show proper starts up I hear the cheerful boingy strains of Mister Sandman, send me a dream. At this point not only is that song overplayed, it's a big fat indicator that bad shit is going down or is about to, sort of like Walking on Sunshine was the serial killer anthem for a while and any time you hear the low dulcet tones of It's A Wonderful World you know we're panning across some horrible battle or blasted wasteland. I'm guessing because the rights are cheap and of course because there are only so many songs on the theme of Sandman to go around, but some songs are just sort of hardwired in by now. And on the other hand it makes for cheap useful shorthand.

As Night Is Dark And Day Is Light Haven S5E16 The Trial of Nathan Wuornos

Previously! Dwight points out that the fog bank/shroud/whatever the fuck at least keeps the miserable shit contained to Haven and doesn't inflict it on the rest of the world. He's not wrong! There's a darkness Trouble that eats people. Literally, eats the flesh off them. Duke got sort of an episode of peace and quiet and then his boss was an asshole and he ended up semi-adopting a friend's teenage daughter. With a Trouble to the tune of Kitty Pryde. Oh yay. Dwight is keeping shit from Audrey, always a great idea, and that's a clip from s2 and Duke's first blood-sponge incident where he finds out what the Crocker Trouble is. That can't possibly be good, considering blood sponge plus both freaky eye-things plus Duke theoretically NOT being Troubled anymore means he has some unpleasant surprises coming. Oh, and we have another serial killer, this one they're calling the No Marks Killer, as opposed to the Eats Your Everything And Isn't A Wendigo killer. Nathan and Kira went off to track down the aether while Charlotte got the power plant working again, and then Nathan came back having found the aether and declared her dead, nearly starting a riot in the process.

So we'll pick up where we left off: at the point where Tony the fiance is trying to incite a riot. Jesus you're a dumb asshole. I get that he's upset and grieving but, as McHugh points out when he comes out to play Dwight's enforcer, this is a great way to set off everyone's Troubles. And get more people killed. And can we, y'know, not? Cue Dwight coming out to take stock, and getting a lot of runaround from everyone. I admit freely that Nathan's a decent liar when he thinks it's in a valid cause (namely, keeping knowledge of the aether secret), but telling Dwight in the middle of the crowd that he needs to talk to him privately is noooot exactly helpful. Especially since he compounds matters by continuing to lie about Kira being dead! It only looks like a lie because we know Nathan, and he lies by overdoing the sincerity and looking at people straight-on, which is one of the harder tells to spot. But it also fits with the data we have, namely unless Nathan got a second Trouble, how the fuck did he survive the darkness? Or unless there was a thinny/portal/something down there, which we had no indications of. McHugh is not being exactly helpful, but he is providing just-the-facts-sir for Dwight: Nathan and Kira left the power plant, he won't say where they went, now she's supposedly dead. Meanwhile Tony will continue inciting a riot by asking how many people lost someone because of the power outage. Seriously someone put a gag on that man before he gets people killed. Oh wait. That wouldn't help. I count approximately six hands raised, which is fewer than I expected, honestly. He goes on to claim that Kira was their ONLY hope against the darkness Trouble, which is patently fucking untrue: lots of people have been helping newly Troubled control their Troubles for the past two weeks, something everyone there should know, and on top of that the assorted glowball Troubles were what saved them the VERY NIGHT BEFORE. So it is entirely fucking unreasonable to assert that Kira is their only hope and so on and so forth. It's semi-plausible in terms of what a grieving probable-abuser does, but it's bullshit and at least some of the crowd should know that.

A Life Half-Lived Haven S2E02 Fear & Loathing

This is one of those ridiculously loaded eps that's a) only as loaded as it is in hindsight and b) I'm pretty sure they've still got some weapons stockpiled in their Chekhov's Armory from this one. So brace yourselves for a lot of fucking swearing, y'all, this one's going to be an interesting ride. Previously on Haven! There were two Audreys. One of them understands and is immune to the Troubles. The other one hasn't quite learned yet not to say that things in Haven are impossible. Both are duly freaked the fuck out. Oh, and Nathan can't feel things, and someone with a goddamn fucking Guard tattoo wants to kill Duke, and Garland died so now Nathan has to hold the town together. That's a lot of themes running together at once, you guys, dear lord. It's kind of impressive how they managed to actually work them in without making my head explode from pacing.

What's Done In The Dark Haven S5E15 Power

Previously, on Haven. I think "Everything went straight to hell" is still accurate, don't you? Mara is theoretically gone for good, but hey, it's not like magic is an exact science. Someone's Trouble has warped Haven into a pocket fog dimension, with a black mist eye pulling serial killer, the policing has been turned over to the Guard on the basis that they have more experience, and Duke has fucked off for parts unknown where no one has heard of Haven.

We start off with two very good signs that everything has gone straight to hell: resource lines, and using the local schools as emergency shelters. These are pretty much universal in extremis behaviors! We also get a good sign of how normalized the Troubles are because Audrey's outright saying "If you know your Trouble, please tell the men at the door." So, yeah. It's not so much a new order of things that way as acknowledging what was always hidden. Haven's finally admitted and is starting to come to terms with itself as to what it really is. The rest, though, as with all major all-encompassing crises, yeah, that's a new order of things. Resources are scarce, the future is uncertain, that means there are going to be tensions, people trying to exploit the power they've given, people having too much power and severely fucking up with it (Dwight I am looking at you) and general bad actors. Give it a second.

Run On For A Long Time Haven S5E14 New World Order

So. It's the last season. Everything's gone straight to hell. And we're punchier than we've ever been, so here's the deal. For those of you who are amused by such things, we're starting a "Fucks Given" jellybean jar. Guess how many times we dropped the f-bomb while we were watching or discussing and working on the recaplysis. Whoever gets closest wins a No-Prize. (Which is basically a shout-out on the blog, if you never read the Marvel comics at the right time.)

Everyone buckled in? Got your safety gear on? Everyone got a firm grasp on their buttocks, their wits, and their boozahol? Because we're all going to need it. Previously, on Haven! Charlotte is Mara's mother. (No, not Audrey's, even if she really really wants us all to believe that. Creator, sure.) Mara made Duke into a Trouble bomb she plans to set off unless her mother lets her out of Haven. Honestly while I firmly disapprove of her methods, she clearly hasn't been taught better. Dave is having mysterious visions of a lot of people dying and the word Croatoan carved into a rock. This just gets better and better! Audrey talks Joe Senna down from his Trouble, which is surely only here because it will be Important Later, and oh, Charlotte is a terrifyingly manipulative evil bitch who's willing to kill her own daughter and make Audrey be the whatever-non-human-being she is in order to get someone who won't point a gun at her. Charlotte has not met Audrey when she's super pissed off. Oh, and Duke exploded with Troubles, as per Mara's threat. Seriously what the fuck did you expect, Charlotte.

Audrey II Audrey Haven S2E01 A Tale Of Two Audreys

Previously, on Haven! The Troubles. Agent Fuck You Howard. Audrey helps Haven, quitting her alleged job at the FBI to do so. Nathan! The Chief's son, and the consummate small-town cop. Duke! Resident bad boy. Nathan can feel Audrey's touch! The Chief turns to rock and explodes! Vince and Dave pick up the pieces, in an astounding display of symbolism. The Rev is ominous and threatening! And Agent Audrey Parker comes to Haven. The other Agent Audrey Parker.

So we start off with this resolution of the first of several cliffhangers, only not so much of a resolution, I think. Audrey being Audrey, she's more interested in answers and getting things to a point where people aren't in imminent danger of death than following the letter of the law and procedure of the FBI, especially when she's starting to get the idea that she's not Audrey Parker, former FBI anymore. Before she found out that she had been Lucy Ripley she might have been closer to Nathan's stance, but now she's at the very least reeling from that and aware that Audrey II is right, she is the real Audrey Parker. Not that Nathan has had time to absorb the implications of that yet, as much as she had. A little too much has been going on to have a good sit-down about what she's learned, which is definitely a recurring problem in Haven. Nathan is fully in favor of challenging Audrey II and shooting her if need be; as he says, he knows his Audrey, and she's a stranger. Let's all note that Audrey II is also in standard government agent black, whereas Audrey Parker even when she thought she was an FBI agent leaned towards lighter neutrals. It's a little bit as though costuming is reminding us what a real FBI agent looks like, and that our Audrey isn't. So. Audrey II finally surrenders to the logic of two guns pointed at her and puts down her weapon, and Nathan holsters his and, presumably, moves to handcuff her. Audrey looks like she's lowering hers, though not holstering it, and we'll skip the formalities for now.

The State of the Blog Strikes Back

And we're back! We know, we know, it's been so long, we never call, we never write. But we do come bearing news! A surprising amount of news for having been quiet since Haven stopped airing. Let's launch into that first.

Haven

First of all, we are, in fact, halfway done with Season 2 of Haven, which we intend to put up as we put up Season not6. Because let's face it, we all know that's Season 6 in everything but name and paycheck. We were hoping, and we know we did say it would be up earlier, all we can say is that things got very busy and chaotic for a while, and then we spent a while recovering from that and adjusting to other life things. Season 2 will, tentatively, go up Friday night so you have something to read before we post Season 6 on Saturdays. Yes, we are still posting on Saturdays. Ten thousand words of blathering and analysis is still hard on our wrists. So that's our schedule for the forseeable future, assuming they don't mess about with the air dates again. Remember, Haven Season not6 premieres October 8!

DragonCon

Murderboarding will be at DragonCon! One of us will, at any rate, I will be on the Friday Arrow panel, the Sunday Haven panel, and the Sunday Flash panel for the American Sci-Fi/Fantasy Media Track. If that changes, I will be tweeting about it under our #Murderboarding hashtag, so keep an eye out for that over DragonCon weekend. I will also have business cards and in most cases be available shortly before and for a little while after the panels if you want to come up and say hi, ask questions, etc. I can say in advance that we are not looking to add TV shows or writers at this point,  but any other questions are fair game.

The Future

We have a couple of other shows in mind to blog, none of them as they air to again save on carpal tunnel surgery. Two of them will be Helix (both seasons) and the Librarians (the first season), post dates to follow as soon as I get back from DragonCon and we have some idea of our work schedule at that point. Helix and the Librarians are both rich shows and labors of love or at least hobby fascination for us, and we're looking forward to tackling them. We also have a couple other shows we're looking at, but there are also other factors involved in these shows that we have to resolve before we talk about blogging them. I know that sounds cagey, but thirty episodes of two shows plus Haven should be enough to look forward to, right?

If I can clean them up enough I may also post the Arrow and Flash notes for my panels. Being the overachiever that I am, they're only half the length of the average post here, and those of you who have read any of our recaplysis posts know how long that is.

That is all the data thus far, and we hope it is sufficient. If not, well, we invite you to sing with us the song of our people.*

* The song of our people is a warped mashup of the dreidl song and the Sherlock Holmes quote "Data data data, I cannot make bricks without clay. Because that's how we roll.