How Infinite In Faculty Haven S5E03 Spotlight

Previously on Haven, someone edited the fuck out of this sequence to make it look like Nathan was the only person with emotional issues surrounding Audrey versus Mara. Ahahahahahaha. Ha. Ha. No, nuh-uh, cute, nice try, nope. Though the Teagues are Sirs Not Appearing In This Episode, which doesn't give us any of the warm fuzzies, just means their assorted issues are taking place, shall we say, offstage. This does not, in fact, inspire confidence or trust in what happens when they return. As it is, our drama this episode is almost entirely, thank you previouslies, about Nathan and Maraudrey. Also we had Jennifer die so Duke could be sad (seriously this is Haven you guys couldn't have left it a mystery? what's one more? honestly) and Dwight took over the Guard. Nobody believes Nathan actually plans to deliver Maraudrey to the Guard because Nathan is an easy fucking mark. Okay, possibly not a mark, but still and nonetheless, I disapprove so much of all of his actions.

Meet The New Boss Haven S5E02 Speak No Evil

Previously, on Haven! The Lighthouse! The door! Bye William, we will not miss you. Jennifer collapses! The thinny explodes! Everyone gets separated! Duke's Trouble is hurting people! Dwight is the only one apparently stable enough to take care of everything, which means people look to him, not Vince. This won't lead to anything, I'm sure. We get a brief replay on thinnies, Mara, Vickie's Trouble, and Mara's power and what she needs and how it works. Oh, and Nathan was an idiot some more, which got him shot. Though not fatally, despite an excellent headshot earlier, which is clearly meant to be somewhat ambiguous! Certainly we know Nathan will take it that way.

So! Let's have a look at the aftermath of all this, since this, last episode, and last season finale all take place within about a day, two days. Just to put it in perspective. It's not a very good day or so for anyone. We start out on the spit of land with Nathan quite sensibly leaning up against the front wheel well of his truck while Duke hauls up behind him, because while he may or may not be able to feel the gunshot wound he finally has learned sense about getting shot! Okay, no, that's unfair, this is I think the first time we've seen him get shot without another person around who was going to patch him up or haul him to be patched up the second the crisis was over. So he's holding still in case he bleeds out and waiting for someone to come find him. Wise! Wiser still would have been finding his damn phone, but there's a non-zero chance Maraudrey took it, so. Duke is sufficiently traumatized and wrapped up in his own problems that he can't even look at Nathan while he 'fesses up to the Barrow Trouble being his doing and therefore misses the not all that subtle tells that Nathan's barely with it. But his conclusion is, stay zen, try not to fuck anyone else up. That's completely reasonable and, as he says, next to impossible under the circumstances, and in conclusion, Fucking Haven. Nathan's got some small surprise about this! And it's very, very touching and telling that both of these guys have moved to a place where they do want to support each other, be there for one another, from the aggressive mutual dislike and distrust of s1. Witness the speed with which Duke goes from WOE AND DOOM to oh my god she shot you, hang on where's the damn first aid kit.

See Her Very Well Haven S5E01 See No Evil

Haven S5E01 See No Evil

At long, long last - no, really, this has been one of the longest fucking summers of our lives - we return to you with more new Haven. (S2 catch-up on Haven, along with Sleepy Hollow and the little-discussed but much-considered Helix, are all on the backburner until we figure out what new fall schedules do to our ability to get posts out while retaining what we pretend is our sanity.) A word to the wise in case you're new, or if you've just forgotten in the intervening months: this is not a shipper blog. We actually care very little, at this point, about the Nathan/Audrey romance, not least because Nathan goes through long periods of level-grinding where he flings himself like an idiot at a brick wall, metaphorical or literal, and then has sudden Moments Of Awesome. Which is totally plausible as a character! I know people like that! They're just unfortunately always the kind of person you want to smack upside the head with a cluebat until they get it.

A Grimm Feast: Trubel's Scarf-It-Down Spaghetti (S3E20)

Click here to jump to Just The Recipe.

Have we mentioned how much we love Trubel?  ‘Cause we love her.  We love Her Badassiness so very much—the dark, wandering loner who doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder so much as the whole bag of Doritos.  It would be so easy to slide into cliché territory with this role, but Jacqueline Toboni and the writers have done SO WELL with her at every turn that right from the start, she has felt completely honest and real.  Right down to how she eats.

It is extremely common for runaways, foster kids, and the like to eat the way Trubel does—inhaling as much food as possible, as fast as possible before it goes away.  When you don’t know what or when your next meal will be, you do what you have to do.  Even if these kids eventually end up in a safe home with plenty of food, they often continue eating this way for awhile out of habit.  That’s why it wasn’t surprising that when Trubel joined the rest of the Scooby Gang for a delicious spaghetti dinner, she went to town on that bowl of pasta like Shaggy on a pot-brownie buffet.

Of course, we’d also like to think that Juliette’s spaghetti is just THAT GOOD.  Or more accurately, her spaghetti sauce.

A Grimm Feast: Awkward Bratwurst (S3E12)

Click here to jump to Just The Recipe.

Hello, Murderlings.  Guess what I did today?  I donated blood!  Yay!  Why am I sharing this?  Because while some people go through the donation process and shrug it off quite easily, I do not.  I take at least half an hour longer than normal before I can safely stand up, and for the rest of the day, I’m a bit…slow.  I was okay for most of the day but I’m especially punchy right now, because I’m tired and hungry and…I forget where I was going with this thought.

Anna: “So why did you decide to do a blog post and donate blood on the same day?”

Elle: “It happened to be a Wednesday.  I didn’t plan this.”

Anna: “Just checking.”

What are we doing today?  Oh right.  Awkward Bratwurst.  Awkwurst!  The entrée that Rosalee served to Monroe’s parents at the most awkward dinner party ever.  Oh, Monroe.  I’d like to make some snarky comment here about how you should’ve handled things differently when introducing your über-conservative Blutbad parents to your Fuchsbau fiancée, but to be honest…I think it went pretty well.  Eventually, anyway.

A Grimm Feast: Prodigal Green Beans (S3E11)

Click here to jump to Just The Recipe

Yay, awkward dinners!  In this episode, Rosalee brought Monroe with her as she was reunited with her mother and sister whom she hadn’t spoken to in seven years.  Mama Fuchsbau was more than happy to let bygones be bygones and embrace her returning daughter.  Sister DeEtta, on the other hand, was less thrilled—having been the one who sacrificed her career and social life to take care of their parents when Rosalee was struggling through her drug addiction.

Monroe did his best to make the family’s reunion dinner a positive occasion (even though he couldn’t eat the main course) by complimenting the green beans.  When he asked what marvelous ingredient they’d used to make them so delicious, DeEtta disdainfully replied: “Salt.”

“Oh honey,” thought I.  “We can do better than that.”

A Grimm Feast: Explosively Good Beef & Mushroom Tartlets (S3E3)

Click here to jump to Just The Recipe.

This is the episode when Monroe and Rosalee went to a fine local establishment for a romantic dinner…only to discover later that the restaurant was run by vengeful Bauerschwein who were using their culinary know-how to murder Blutbaden.  Apparently there is a certain truffle from the Black Forest that is toxic to Blutbaden, for definitions of “toxic” that include “complete loss of faculties followed by exploding.”

This truffle was served up in an irresistible beef tartlet to all customers, though only the Blutbaden were affected.  Fortunately, Monroe brought along his trusty vegetarianism and an adorable Fuchsbau who was more than happy to eat his tartlet.  Remember, folks: if your significant other steals food off your plate in a restaurant, it’s because they love you and are trying to save your life.