Saturday, November 28, 2015

I Must Live While Others Die Haven S5E22 A Matter Of Time

Everyone stop for awhile to groan over the double pun in the ep title with us, while we go over the previouslies. Yes? Yes. Previously, Hayley or Hayley's Trouble are the key to saving Haven by way of making a thinny whee. Vince was a complete fucking idiot who thought the best plan was to discuss plans for saving Dave from Croatoan IN FRONT OF HIM WHEN HE KNEW DAVE WAS POSSESSED. I'm pretty sure that one never got fully erased from his memory, is what I'm saying, and even if it did, the body on the floor should be a big fucking clue. Nathan coming back from the void is crucial, which will be fun since William's there too and Hayley refuses to use her power for the purposes of eventually getting rid of it. Kid. Have you seriously never read Harry Potter? Splinching is a thing. You don't want that thing.

Nathan does not want this boulder or this void air or whatever in the void is making him sick, but there's a lot of shit Nathan doesn't want and bulls his way through despite that. Because Nathan. Also I question the wisdom of sending in the guy who can't feel things to a place that's that toxic to humans. While it may lengthen the time he can stand being in there, if there's any kind of nerve irritation/pain that goes along with it, it means that he doesn't notice how bad it is until, say, shortness of breath and blurry vision come into play. William shall taunt him a second time! Free me and I'll help you, yadda yadda, nobody believes you, William. Though he's not wrong about Nathan doing poorly. William babbling about all the terrible things Mara's going to do is definitely like provocation! A lot of provocation, since Nathan starts shouting about how Mara's not coming back and ALSO no seriously NOT COMING BACK SHE'S DEAD YOU MORON. DECEASED. KICKED THE BUCKET. SHE IS AN EX-MARA. Ahem. I will allow as how this is enough passion and Nathan is fucked up enough that it definitely registers as true. Or Nathan believing it's true hard enough that he's got some kind of alternate proof, even if William looks utterly stricken by that idea. He's not wrong, either, there's not really anything he knows of that could do that. That's in Haven. So now they have new and interesting information to exchange and negotiate from. Such as negotiation can happen when the only thing William was living for (as far as he's ever said) is now gone.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Make It A Double Haven S2E08 Friend or Faux

Previouslies! Duke and Evi. Duke and his dad and the deathbed promise he made! Evi and working for the Rev. For as little as she's in this ep, there's actually nothing else in the previouslies except catching us up on that. And then instead of opening on the Gull like we might expect, we open on a panover of residential Haven, cutting down to Random House after a bit. No, we're not suddenly getting to see where Nathan lives. Or the Teagues. Instead, we have Some Guy We've Never Met. He must be either Troubled or about to die of a Trouble, then! Or both. Both is… good? That is a lot of house for one man, too, I must say.

It's even a lot of house for two men, which it turns out to be after we get a focus on our unsub that marks him as careful, precise, neat, even fussy. Sleeps in a full set of pajamas, needs everything on his dresser to be just-so, wears pocket squares. Wealthy and fussy. Now we have two! Two unsubs. I wonder who the hell they used for a double in these scenes, since this was before Orphan Black's transparency in filming made it more common for people to credit their doubles, stunt or otherwise. (Also before we were paying such close attention to the technicalities of filming, so it's possible we just missed it.) (Oh hey, the IMDb page says Jim Swansburg against Cristian de la Fuente. Well done both of them! For an ep that's relatively filler, they make it stand out.) The double, by contrast, is in boxers and nothing else, is cheerful and peppy and casual. Our first unsub looks resigned and horrified to see him and goes about getting ready for his day like he's a prisoner in his own home. When he comes out, Unsub #2 has made breakfast in the form of an enormous pile of pancakes and an even more enormous mess. I freely admit I'd be pissed if someone made that much of a mess of my kitchen, too.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Cold Bitter Mist Haven S5E21 Close To Home

Previously! Duke talked to Walter and we hid behind the couch. Also we get a flashback to the girl with the explodes everything she touches Trouble. Oh honey. Walter gave Duke visions of a seriously post-apocalyptic Haven in which Croatoan won, let us not go there, 'tis a silly place. Nathan ran back in time, figured out the Coulton family has a Trouble that'll let them open thinnies if they have a magic ring, and left Duke a note with the creepyass kid from 1983. Who turned into a creepyass adult. Who points him to Hayley, not that creepyass adult knows it. Hi Hayley!

NATHAN'S HOUSE NATHAN'S HOUSE HI NATHAN'S HOUSE. AWWW it's a tiny yellow house how cute! The house number is 247. I'm going to throw something at someone now. He and Audrey are having a relatively quiet start to their morning, she appears to have mostly moved in with him though by what point I'm not sure. Also I suspect this means that his house is well away from Trouble Alley, or anywhere else that might be a serious problem. He's bringing her coffee! They're doing one of the things we do, actually, which is grumble at the insufficient data and chew on it some more until they realize that they really don't have enough. Interrupted by Audrey being adorable at Nathan and warning him about the hot coffee and him being cute back and oh god stoppit both of you. This might be the most stereotypically couple-y we've ever seen them, she gets to check him out half-naked in the morning, there's coffee, they're talking about their plans for the day, and it's promptly turned into a semi-argument about yes this is awesome! You should stay with me and not go into the void so it can keep being awesome, Nathan. Yeah that's not going to happen, Audrey. There's some really sweet bantering about how tired they are of saving the world, and the thing is, it's believable! They should be! But it's also how they work, and what they know, and there's a definite undercurrent of that running through the banter too. What the fuck would they do without crises on a near-constant basis? WHO KNOWS. Not them, that's for sure. Speaking of which, he has to go get the controller crystal in the void when Duke comes back and yes that's a when and not an if, Audrey, I know you're hurt and feeling betrayed, but one of the things he needs is a fucking vacation from the crazy.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Communes Are Just A Red Herring Haven S2E07 The Tides That Bind

Ah, scenic Haven, beautiful coastal small town in AUGH FUCK WITH THE CREEPY CHILDREN AND THE CHANTING. See, this is the kind of quality content I expect from anything to do with Stephen King. I'll be over here behind the couch, shivering.

Yes, there are creepy chanting children. Chanting something about the sea being deep and the things that sleep under it. I could blame Lovecraft, I guess, but we're not in Lovecraft Country, we're in King Country, and while both are far worse places to stop than Bat Country in King Country there's a lot less in the way of grand cosmic horror and a lot more in the way of inexplicable horror mixed with small town folksyness. All those of you who have lived or live in a small town and know the ways those can be horrible are now twitching as violently as I am. Anyway. Creepy chanting cultist children. Because you know that's what it sounds like. Also in the way four of them are tying a rope around the fifth's ankle and shoving him in. Followed by the cinderblock he's now tied to. And then more chanting. And then an adult calling them over to supper, looking down into the water with a grim expression and... doing nothing. Now, this is Haven, so we can assume all kinds of things about how this isn't what it looks like, and it isn't. But that doesn't make it all that less fucking creepy. Mad props to everyone who set this episode up, I'm wigged out. Oh, for extra bonus wig, the guy has a tattoo. Or to be specific, The Tattoo.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Remember To Forget Haven S5E20 Just Passing Through

We have written a new verse to the song of our people. It is called STOP FUCKING WITH THE TIMESTREAM. Previously on Haven, we have a brief summary of how Stuart Mosley's Trouble works (Nathan's fault. Because of the aforementioned fucking with the timestream. Or IN the timestream, NATHAN.) and another summary of Dave telling Vince he's terrified he killed the Colorado Kid. More interesting: Hayley! Huh. Hi Hayley. ...Hayley Coulton. Well that'll be significant later! And then the reveal that Dave killed Charlotte from the end of last ep, as if we were going to forget THAT.

Friday, November 13, 2015

And Then You Wake Up Haven S2E06 Audrey Parker's Day Off

Hey look, it's the Groundhog Day ep! This may make the recaplysis slightly shorter, or it may not, who knows. Perhaps we've learned some concision in the last year? Stop laughing, you there in the back. (K: No. Shan't.) The previouslies this time include a massive focus on Audrey Parker, Savior of Haven, and her slowly coming to accept this role and her immunities. Also Chris Brody and his charisma Trouble, which continues to be creepy. Like way to point up some of the ways in which her and Nathan aren't a healthy relationship either, dude! Nobody believes that her immunity plays no role in why you asked her out. We pronounce that "wishful thinking." A more honest statement would be that he's not sure what role her immunity plays but it's nice to be around someone who calls him on his shit instead of fawning over him, maybe. Except I don't have that much faith in Brody that this isn't a case of Dickhead Wants What He Can't Get Easily. Never mind that Audrey finds being wanted for herself and not her abilities with the Troubles its own kind of intoxicating. This whole thing is so fucked up.

But we start with what appears to be a rather cute morning-after! This means it'll be ruined shortly, because fucking Haven. I can't even fault Chris Brody's wakeup, it's a brief kiss accompanied by some teasing, and he informs her he made plans for her day off. Surprise plans! That is, my misgivings about this relationship aside, rather cute and sweet, provided you're the kind of person who enjoys romantic surprises like that. We also get a Significant Shot of the alarm clock set to 7:34, which I don't think has any Stephen King type significance. (You could stretch to adding the numbers and come up with 14, but that's one more than Maerlyn's Rainbow, so I got nothin' offhand.) Audrey has a day off, but one official piece of police business beforehand. And before that there will be first thing in the morning sex, which she initiates, which is at least nice to see.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

And Some Are Dying Haven S5E19 Perditus

No of course we're not planning to use the lyrics to When The Man Comes Around for the entire reason of Haven that would be dorky we are never dorks. Also I have a bridge in Halifax to sell you.

Previously! Deadly Tarot, memory wipes, and fucking Walter. And Croashatner. Let's take a second to highlight something here that we shamefully didn't go over in detail last time: Croashatner (barring a proper name for Charlotte's husband) says my aether. You turned my aether into something. Prior to this we were working under the assumption that this was William's stash, which was admittedly smaller. So what, were they working together the whole time? Did anyone notice this or know it and it just never came out on camera? Or, because let's face it, William's balls did look a mite punier than those in the cave, did they never find William's box o deathtruffles but instead Croashatner's entire mining cave full of the damn stuff? INQUIRING DAMN MINDS. Anyway. Audrey has the aether core, Charlotte has the knife, I have a burning desire for a proper sound sampler so I can see if there's another voice under Shatner and the distortion, and then Charlotte's dying in Audrey's arms while thankfully imparting some final information. Between last episode and this one, Charlotte wins the prize for actually conveying some useful fucking data with her last breaths instead of just "Oh I always loved you" or "Oh you are so doomed, it's the *ludicrous gibs ensue*"

Thursday, November 5, 2015

We Are Groot Haven S2E05 Roots

Previously on Haven! Chris "Everyone Is In Love With Me And I Hate It" Brody! Evi "Duke's Secret Con-Artist Wife" Ryan! (aka "Her Name is Evidence? Are We Sure She's Not A Puritan?") The Crocker Box that apparently has no future significance ever. I'm not at all bitter/hopeful about getting closure on this, really. Though here's a crackpot theory for you, what if Fitzwilliam Crocker really was William in disguise and made it for .... no, see, there it breaks down. Though he certainly thought that his and Mara's love could conquer all. Also what's up with the funky glowing Crocker letters.

Love Connection Haven S2E03 Love Machine

Previously on Haven! Duke's contentious marriage! Freaky things happen in Haven! Like the Chief turning into rock and explode. Nathan doesn't know if he can hold it together like his Dad did. That's okay, Audrey's here to help the people of Haven! (Those of us who have seen the fourth season are laughing hysterically now.) And there's another Audrey! Well, shit.

All right, those of us who have seen up to current, go ahead and laugh it all out now as Audrey asks Vince if he knew her mother. Laugh it out. I'll wait.

(Those of you who are just now getting to seaon two, you really may want to stop reading. On the other hand if you've been reading this far, you know exactly how spoilery we are and probably most of the spoilers. Read on at your own risk.)

We start with a nice and deceptively calm flyover of Haven, as per usual, and move on to a guy clearing out the observers as he tries to fix a boat. Coffee should help! No, actually, there's no coffee that'll help this cranky boat. The initial cuts over to boat equipment, what looks like the netting winch? I'm making that term up because I don't actually know the vocabulary of fishing boats. Anyway, whatever that piece of equipment is, it's doing the ominous noises of Machinery About To Come To Life. And if we've all seen Maximum Overdrive the possessed machinery trope, we know exactly what to expect by the second cut over. The first one could be a distraction, sort of the on-a-fishing-boat equivalent of the cat scare. The second, not so much. On the third everything kicks into motion, because it's a rule, but in this case it's only a half-obeyed rule in the sense that we don't get the violent act, just the boat visibly moving by itself. In this case, the boat disgorging a fish. And then, the boat disgorging a shitton of fish. And then, the boat appearing to randomly send itself down the river.