Saturday, December 19, 2015

Be Unbroken Haven S5E25 Now

Previously, on Haven. CroaShat was a manipulative asshole of a would-be father, Vince decided to go be a barnvatar because that seemed more useful than grieving Dave and probably killing himself, Laverne became the police station in the noirest episode ever to noir, Duke got pwned in the black-eyed horror of Croatoan, Dwight got his daughter back and is not sure how this is a trap. CroaShatDaddy continues to be abusive but reveals that he can use the Troubles however he damn wants, including to save baby Mara's life, and Duke is blaming Nathan (and Audrey) for his becoming a killer. I… cannot say he's entirely wrong there.

We return to Audrey having gone back to the station, presumably having walked? It's night, she's making her bed on the camp cot in the chief's office, and Nathan is being adorable with his snacks. Aww, she still loves Baby Ruths! Alas, that is granola but he is happy to see her! Ahem. Laverne's apparently decided to dispense only the healthy stuff, or as healthy as you can get out of a vending machine. Oh Laverne. Per Nathan's nudging, Audrey updates him on how much of a world of shit they're in, which is to say: lots! Several worlds' worth. (Say that five times fast.) He's not making threats, he's just promising to make people his idea of happy, which is clearly warped, she's not wrong that that's in a lot of ways more scary than an outright threat. An outright threat has recognizable boundaries on it, not necessarily limitations but it presents a defined scope. A complete stranger coming in and imposing his ideas of happiness on everyone else? That's a lot of unknowns to deal with. And of course he desperately wants his daughter back. I find it interesting that Nathan makes the point (and Audrey doesn't argue) that she's not Croatoan's daughter, whereas they were pretty quick to allow as how she was Charlotte's daughter. Partly that's a pacing issue, but partly I think that's also an indication of how thoroughly they're rejecting Croatoan and all his works. As it were. In the meantime, we revisit for the umpteenth iteration that they need to fix the aether core and that no they don't have any brilliant solutions, nor has Vince come up with anything now that he has access to the databases in the controller crystal. Blah blah Duke, blah blah holing up and Dwight's keeping Vince away from Duke, etc etc etc exposition. Though I do find Nathan's unshakeable faith that they're going to get Duke back awfully adorable and heartrending in light of what happens. But adorable.

Will The Circle? Haven S5E26 Forever

We'll just skip the forever long previouslies and get right to it. Audrey's come back to the station and she's giving Stan instructions about getting the town to stay away from the cloud. Stan's in street clothes! Awwww. And he tosses out a gas leak cover story joke, because that's gonna work so well when a few weeks ago you explained all about the Troubles and whatnot. Although I admit in my vague headcanon for post-series, "gas leak" has totally become an in-joke with the entire town. Audrey is not really having with this levity, telling him to go spend time with his nonexistent family. He says he doesn't have one now, which could be, given he's been awfully stereotypical bachelor cop for the series, the PD's been disbanded and that was his family, or could be a variety of awful things happened to whatever family he had, or could be he moved in from outside Haven and now he's cut off and doesn't expect to ever see them again. That was horribly depressing. Stan deserves all the good things for putting up with this shit for so long, why you so fucking mean, writers. Audrey would like to spend time with her remaining family, except Nathan is not so much with the here.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Simon Says Haven S2E12 Sins of the Fathers

Previously: Audrey found the original Lucy Ripley, who has not gone to the barn and had her memories erased! And… Simon Crocker was looking for AudSarLu when she was Lucy. Oh GOODIE. We will be reminded yet again of how Duke is at the center of everything going on in Haven, and lost Evi as a result. And oh look, part of that involves the Crocker boxes, now with the big version, hi Dwight you're like a big version, and killing AudSarLu. Gee. I wonder what the Rev's plans were for Duke! Let's find out on a moonlit night in Haven. We open with the Trouble, not the town's tarnished trio, which just means the Trouble's going to be inherent to them all as we learn what it is and how it works. Some Dude is asleep when Some Other Dude appears and wakes him insisting he go save a woman named Sheila who's in danger from a guy with a gun! This cannot possibly end badly! First Dude looks like he's about to tell the other guy that he's dead or something, oh yay just what we need. Yes, the guy with a gun is going to be you, honey. Arlo is meanwhile across the street with Sheila telling her to be quiet and careful and he'll keep her safe until Bill gets here. Of course you will. Vindictive ghostly bastard. This translates to mock-strangling her and Bill shooting her through the ghost. As you do. Evidently this was, as one might expect, payback for sleeping with Sheila, who was Arlo's wife. I assume he was hoping for a murder-suicide but will take one out of two.

Next morning, Duke and his truck are headed downtown at the same time as Audrey and… that looks like still a rental? Audrey when are you going to give in and buy a used cheap car. She's headed for the Herald, Duke is headed for her, it looks like after the ulp-ing at the end of last ep they haven't talked since and now things have an extra helping of Awkward. Duke's going to confront this head-on! Honey. Audrey's off to confront other people head-on, she's not upset with you, go hold her flower while she kicks the Teagues' ass. I would pay such good money for that alt-version of this scene. Alas, no, he's determined to explain that he is REALLY not going to kill her, he doesn't take assassination requests from dead as well as deadbeat dads. Audrey please stop being quite so emotionally repressed, you're going to sprain something. She does realize after the bad joke that she needs to take him a little more seriously than that, but the words "I believe you" would help here. A lot. And not leave Duke sighing at the heavens while Audrey storms into the Herald.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

In the Blood Haven S2E11 Business as Usual

Previously! Lucy Ripley, Audrey belonging to Haven, Nathan courting Audrey, Duke and the tattoo and his complete lack of answers. Evi working with the Rev and then dying! The Rev being in the middle of all of this. And then dying too! Well, I'm glad about one of those things.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Wings of a Dove Haven S5E24 The Widening Gyre

Wings of a Dove Haven S5E24 The Widening Gyre

Any ep title they can play on-the-nose with we can do better? Ahem. (For those of you who've noticed, Cash covered this one.) (A: Though my FIRST thought was Lonesome Dove, because even MORE on the nose.) Look, anytime anyone invokes Yeats' Second Coming for TV we are going to at minimum tease and possibly mock. Do you know how many times that poem has been overused? There's an entire TV Tropes page about it. (Suffer with us!) However, if we start in earnest now we'll never stop, so: previously, on Haven! Dave took out Croatoan's ability to wipe memories and erase time, and died in the doing, breaking Vince. Dwight is cracking at the edges to the tune of Not Losing Anyone Else, Audrey flails at the barn and acquires a Howard, however briefly due to Duke fucking with the aether core and going full evil. Whether that's possession or his choice is still severely questionable! Enjoy trying to figure it out! Fuck knows we're not sure.

Friday, December 11, 2015

To Serve Man Haven S2E10 Who What Where Wendigo?

Previouslies tell us that Dwight is a bullet magnet, the poor bastard. Dwight just so you know, you can't actually protect people if you're dead or in hospital recovering from bullet wounds and/or cracked ribs. (Kevlar only goes so far.) I tease about the urges under his Trouble because of one part sympathy and two parts ow. Evi was working for the Rev! She swears it was because she wanted to help Duke find out about his past and/or protect him from the Rev, which shows a staggering degree of naivete considering her usual line of work. Also a significant attachment to Duke despite how they clash on a regular basis. And she also severely overestimates her importance to the Rev and his men, getting herself shot and killed when she assumes she's not expendable. Oh honey. You were definitely not used to people playing games this rough. Hell, Duke's not, not entirely, though he's more so than Evi was, as witness his swallowing back grief and rage to pretend like he's going to be a good little follower and find out his answers. Anyone who knows Duke, knows that revenge is probably worth more to him than answers, and that he'll take both if he can get both, but I'd say it's clear the Rev is playing all the odds. We have a last shot from last ep of the Rev versus Dwight-Audrey-Nathan, which is an interesting cluster and certainly not at all representative of Dwight standing in for Vince.

The ep proper opens with… none of Our Heroes! So we have a Trouble that's not what it seems and they're flinging us data as well as red herrings. Yay! Instead, a newscast over the radio, a trucker flossing in his rearview mirror while we hear about a brutal murder of a dental hygienist, really you guys? And oh look they've decided it's a serial killer with so far seven bodies that they know about. They even have a description! I suspect this is because the murders all happened in different jurisdictions and looked like crimes of passion; these are the kinds of things where you file all the forensics and then hope for a break in the detective footwork. Our trucker is halfway posited as the killer as he goes about his business, since he also leers and ogles all over the girl working the gas station who comes out on break. But no! Then a guy fitting the description right down to the rose tattoo walks out and is bashed into by some teenaged boy, who spills his coffee, apologizes, and runs faster. Our trucker seems to think he can go be a big damn hero with the handgun he keeps in the truck for protection. Dude. You don't even keep the fucking thing in the glovebox? It's just hanging out there? Your safety precautions suck and you should feel bad. GET YOUR FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER OH MY GOD. Well, at least we KNOW he's supposed to be a moron. Rounding the corner brings a whole lot of animal-tearing-something-to-shreds noises from the shed out back, and then we get monster-shaky-cam footage as the trucker gets shoved hard out the door by whatever was making those noises. DUN DUN DUNN.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

For The Reckless Ones Haven S5E23 Blind Spot

Previously on Haven: I miss William. How the fuck did that happen. Is this some magical Colin Ferguson shit? 'cause it kinda seems like it. Croatoan is going to kill and eat everyone, William sez, but then he disappears off into the void and possibly for home because he's… tired of murder? Sleepy kitten done thinking of nothing but murder all day? At any rate, Nathan came back with the crystal, Dave went into his mind palace to try and defeat Croatoan and succeeded in (we think and hope) getting rid of the timey-wimey bullshit memory wiping (DONNA NOBLE FOREVER FUCK YOU ahem oops did that slip out? That was my outside voice, wasn't it.), and also died, wrecking Vince. Croatoan is now out of Dave's body but whether or not he's genuinely lost this ability AND why he's still hanging out being a creepyass mist rather than taking a form asap we do not (yet) know. Suspect lots of things! Don't know. Also Dave used his internal IMing system to inform Vince and Dwight that Croatoan's coming for Audrey. I am sure that's not the only thing he's dropped by for.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Toxic Masculinity S2E09 Lockdown

Previously on Haven! Nathan's getting ousted by the Rev, Audrey's getting courted by Chris Brody, and Duke's getting manipulated by Evi. So at least someone's getting made happier by the machinations in everyone's life!