Though the Haven Twitter accounts for @VinceHaven and @DaveHaven have been around for most of a season, the dispersal of Haven Heralds online only began this season. For those of you lacking Twitter or otherwise disinclined to comb through all the data about these cover-ups, here we have links to each with a short description and commentary. This page is linked on our Haven show page, and will be updated with each new Herald on Twitter.
301 - Notably, only on Dave's account. Blamed on gas pipes exploding,
quotes from Dwight. Bog standard cleaner stuff. Secondary story about
the crop circles, blamed on local teenagers. Altair Bay Inn mentioned, since putting the location in contributes to an aura of disbelief for the other incidents,
quotes from one random teen who they somehow convinced to accept the
blame (not sure how; maybe he comes from a Troubled family?), implied additional quotes below the fold from
Stay - Blamed on contaminated meat from a single cow, served at a
local softball league. Quotes from Doc Lucassi. Secondary story regarding
#EscapetoHaven tags throughout town and a coalition of concerned citizens who
want it stopped. Yes, thank you, we're all looking forward to the payout from that one. I wonder if this is as much as they could fit in about people taking the Rev's side this season so far; that storyline's been largely disregarded probably because they can't fit it into 42 minutes along with everything else.
The Farmer - Blamed on nasty strain of swine flu that particularly
attacked teenagers and pre-pubescent children, medical babble about how
their bodies are trying to adjust to changing hormone levels. Lucassi
quoted again. Poor guy, as much as he prefers his solitude he's getting one hell of a workout providing cover quotes to the Herald. Secondary story with tips on avoiding flu this winter, but
the money shot is in the last line, "this year's flu can be a real
monster." Really. Seriously. I'm going to be over here with my machetes now.
Over My Head - Flood blamed on major sewer line clog. Haven
still has the worst infrastructure of anywhere in the Northeast; I'm sure Dwight's thrilled.
Notably, no source directly cited for the quote, just "the statement"
and it's left implied that it comes from DPW. Secondary story on the
crabs Bob Harmon suffered, with out of context quotes presumably lifted
from when he was at the hospital. Ew, you guys.
Double Jeopardy - Damage at the Gull is easy to blame on a bar fight,
and Duke probably doesn't mind too much. Quotes from Duke which, if you
can picture the gestures that he'd put with the words, are just a
leeeetle over the top. Specifically blamed on an argument over beer
pong rules which of course Duke
has a list posted. (If he didn't before, he does now.) Secondary story
about the football game that supposedly led to this, with a money quote
at the end about "several curiously stating that they had no
recollection of the night's events." Uh-HUH. Because retrograde amnesia
isn't a problem in THIS town at ALL.
Real Estate - High schoolers' Halloween prank gone bad. I find this
especially creepy in that they blame it on high schoolers and yet
there's no mention of the two who died because of Holloway. Also, the poor local teens in this town get scapegoated for a whole lot of things that aren't their fault. Quotes from
Nathan, with some snark about "if anyone had been unlucky enough to be
in the Holloway house." We feel you there, Nathan. Secondary story about
the annual costume contest, which Claire won; quotes from her
acceptance speech with suitable snark. Further snark about the Teagues' costumes and their ineligibility to win, very well suited to a small town newspaper. Heh.
Magic Hour Part 1 - Sleeping sickness uh-huh right. Though it's about the best I could
do if I had to explain a resurrection Trouble that was so publicly
enacted. Dear Moira, you're not making their jobs easier, no love, us.
Quotes from Lucassi and from Dan Hamilton, the husband who paid the
ransom money. Secondary story on Haven Happenings, a shout-out to the
Twitter account of the same name and also a list of various social
events as the holiday season ramps up in Haven. This would feel more
benevolent if I didn't have a mental image of the Teagues giggling over
their desks while figuring out what to put in. Especially that LARP, for
which I have all the facepalm ever. Because what Haven needs is people pretending to be superpowered in some way! Somehow I suspect someone in the Losers' Club is Troubled, too, with that story of what happened the last time they played. Maybe several someones.
Magic Hour Part 2 - Also notably only on Dave's account. Leaving
aside the question of how the hell a weekly newspaper got out two
publications when the events of these episodes cover maybe three days
total (yeah, we know, take a drink), not to mention the extended torture
the Teagues underwent, the boat explosion needs only minimal coverup.
With no body recovered and nobody around who isn't in on what was really going
on, they just need to explain away the cause of the explosion as
something non-violent. Which is what Nathan's for! Secondary story on the Parade
of Ships, for which we will cheerfully smack someone with a trout
because a) Kick 'em Jenny Neck b) Twin Peaks c) gathering at the
Colorado Kid Beach. Different route because of the explosion and ongoing
investigation, yadda yadda, that would have to be done even if they
were being honest about what was going on.
Sarah - A much shorter cover-up this time, which is to be expected with half the episode taking place in the past. Apparently, though, people remember parts of the alternate realities Stuart Mosley's Trouble caused to take place, which is an interesting manifestation of that Trouble. Methane gas causes hallucinations now! We had no idea. (Technically it causes amnesia, but most people are unlikely to double-check that.) Interesting to note that the DPW in Haven is contributing to the cover-up again; who works there? (Kitty bets Dwight. I would haul out the jar with the surprised face if so.) Also interesting that they pulled a random high school teacher for the rest of the quotes. Either they're trying to keep the usual suspects out of the spotlight, or Patterson is Troubled/aware of the Troubles, or both. He doesn't appear on our index list or in the list of the Troubled from Sins of the Fathers, so inconclusive on that front. Secondary story that the Haven Shore Club will be throwing a 1950s-themed party, complete with snark about post-1960 currency and I cannot facepalm enough for this one.
Burned - Excuse us while we facepalm at the primary cover story. Oh Duke. Oh Teagues. Oh everyone. Dress Like A Pirate Day is still a good excuse, it builds on Duke's reputation as the impetuous ex-criminal (really he swears) scoundrel who never really means to hurt anyone, etc. It encourages people to view him as harmless when he's anything but, though he is generally well-meaning. (Unless you're trying to hurt one of the people he cares about.) Contains some predictable self-deprecating talk where again, you can about see the expansive hand gestures to match his words. Secondary story on the Looking Glass Florist. Is now a good time to mutter about all of Haven being through the looking glass? We thought so. Julienne Pate goes in the notes as a member of the Guard or a family member of someone in it. A great deal of talk about blending into the background and looking pretty and focus on appearances that mesh well with your surroundings, from her. There Is No Coded Message Here, What Are You Talking About.
Last Goodbyes - Hey, it's that old chestnut the gas leak again! And this time there's some talk about getting people to look into the infrastructure, yadda yadda concerned citizens, oh HELLO Dwight. The city's growing and there will have to be some changes "starting with the roots," is THAT so. That doesn't sound ominous. Or like he's still working for the Guard. Really, nothing good is coming out of this story at-fucking-all. We are less than pleased. Secondary story on the local rec leagues, specifically the basketball one, which is presumably more Doylist than anything since frankly at this point I'd be surprised if Audrey or Nathan were giving the Teagues anything more than they had to for cover stories. We've got the North Haven Rams (ha ha North ha ha very funny) and the East Haven Demons, and I'm not sure if that's intended to be anything meaningful but we'll keep an eye on it all the same.